Sorry to bring up old topics. I’m lonely. It’s redundant. I know it’s being played like an old record. I’m sad every day. I’ve asked 4 people for antidepressants, no one will give them to me. I have an ache in my heart, it’s where loneliness lives. I cry daily. I’m watching my wishes and dreams slowly disappear. I should be in NY right now.
Damnit. I had genuinely thought my parents would stay with us next year, I should get it thru my skull that that’s not going to happen. It doesn’t matter my sisters both have each other and healthy support networks. It also doesn’t matter that I haven’t tried to get into that sister bond. I know I’m not wanted. Loved yes, wanted no. For the first time my sisters have stepped up and do what they should have been doing this whole time. Things aren’t going go very better by December. It’s July :( it’s getting worse.
I give and I offer, I give and I offer...
once? Twice? It will be reciprocated. More times than not it doesn’t, no one asks. Weeks & months go by. Hell, it’s rare I get response on text.
Does it stop me? I’ve learned to take a step back. I’m old enough to stop them when they hurt me. For all the vacations and activities I was purposely left out of, for the “sister” times I wasn’t included in, I know in my heart, I never not invited anyone. Everything, I did I invited everyone and I don’t carry that guilt in my heart.
I know I’m being selfish. I know I shouldn’t want my parents here for the winter, it just ducks my sisters manage to still monopolize everything.
Well. Let’s just say I think that’s okay to vent like this to a diary.
