What to say? Today I am only fairly and only moderately dirty. Some would say I am moving up in the world. So while I wait anxiously for the R train, I was thinking of all the things I could write about. Nothing really screamed out, so I am left in some weird kind of writing doldrum. We'll see what transpires. So, not sure if you know this, but I see a therapist. (surprise right?) I think everyone should see one.. anyways. We were talking about my friends. My now lack of friends and my retirement from a certain online community (hence the therapy) She thinks there is more to life then video games & old notebooks. I tried to explain my love for bubbles and playgrounds after dark. REALITY! she says. Bubbles should be left for the kids and playgrounds after dark is no place for a girl of my stature to be hanging around in. Perhaps join a club? cooking? chess? um. no. I prefer the cooking inside my apartment and the chess to be left online. Not really into the social scheme of things unless it involves getting tattoo'd or midnight wanderings in playgrounds. Work doesn't count. That's just something your supposed to do. It pays the bills and affords me my tattoos.
Listen Shrink, I sound like egg salad, have a picking thumb and make referances you can't refer to.. Aside from that? Shrink, you can't see it and my doctors tell me its just not there - but I have a hunchback that often prevents me from leaving my apartment.
She says, Tonight. On the train, if you see someone you'd like to meet, say hello. OK Shrink. I'll try and I did.
Smile at nerdy boy.
me: hi.
him: hi.
(awkward silence)
me: I like bee's.
him: OH ok.. nice. This is my stop.
me: bye!
Ya. So that went well. I do like bee's. When I move, I'd like to get a honeybee hive. Not to get the honey or anything, but because I'd like to have a bee as a friend. A giant bee, full of secrets with soft fur who hummed bittersweet love songs and smelled of strawberries. A super giant bee, that I could climb on his back and we'd go on strange adventures. I don't think I would have a name for him, he would just come with one. We'd sip honey through sugar straws and stay up all night, just to watch the fireflies. A thousands secrets would pass.. he'd never tell & I'd never ask. . I'd like to have a friend like that. A sugar straw sucker & a secret keeper..
Since speaking with you. I realize that I am quiet for such long periods of time, that I forgot how to talk. Not sure of the words that come out. Or even if they are coming out. Sometimes, and this is a super secret. I leave my headphones in and turn the sound off. Just to hear the people around me. Amazing what people say when they think you can't hear them. I think of the answers they ask there friends, the people around them and wonder what I would do in there position. I think, I think I'd like it if someone asked me a question or two. I seem to always be the one asking. Curiosity I suppose? maybe that's what I am missing. A question asker. I'd be a good answerer.. I'd use full sentences and try not to drift.. although drifting is really what I do best. Then again. if I was asked the right questions.. who knows what would happen? maybe its best unsaid.. maybe? I could be wrong.
