I never thought it would be like this. Even, as I write this I am starting to tear up. You see I talked to my sister today, she told me about a trip my family was planning. They said the planning started a few days ago and that they plan to go during Labor Day weekend. . They being my parents and my two sisters. I found out about it in a round about way that involved me asking a bunch of questions. I wasn’t openly invited, I wasn’t included nor was it brought to my attention. A year ago this would have hurt me, this kind of exclusion. A few months ago, this would have brought me upset & tears but today? A handful of tears and acceptance. It dawned on me, that I have become estranged from my family.
My dad stopped talking to me months ago at Christmas. I’ve sent gifts & cards. I hope for something, Anything. I don’t even get an acknowledgement. My mom says he is never feeling good and that’s why he doesn’t talk to me. To be honest, I feel like if he really wanted me in his life. He would have tried...
My older sister stopped talking to me. Oh she might respond to a message in our family’s group chat. Never anything more than that, It’s rare I get any acknowledgement, then again she bullies me. What was childhood bickering has grown into adult bullying. If she is around, I’m careful with how I eat and what I say. A good day with her, is a day that I’m not called “fat pig” or given a rolling of the eyes when I say or do something not to her liking. Still, I have tried. I have visited them, I have sent her and her wife small gifts here and there, tokens of love just to tell them I’m thinking about them.
My younger sister doesn’t talk much, she texts with me once every two-three weeks. I have to be careful with her, she is extremely defensive and I usually try to keep the conversation light. I’ve learned with her, not to say anything that involves true feelings or inner emotion. I am grateful for the attention she gives me, so I don’t ever want to say or do anything to change that. I have sent her, her husband and their daughter small gifts. Tokens of affection
My mom, my one true friend in the world, she is the only one who I have a connection with treats me like family. With her, it’s genuine. I feel her love in my heart. I feel wanted, appreciated. My mom listens, I am so thankful for her, she is the glue that holds our family together. My mom is the only one who doesn’t treat me like a stranger.
You see the feeling of family, that kind of closeness. Knowing that you aren’t alone and that you could pick up the phone at any moment and they would be happy to hear from you. That feeling of being wanted, being appreciated, being part of something that’s so much bigger than anything you’d could have done by yourself. It’s an indescribable feeling. It’s something I haven’t felt in a long time, a feeling that’s sinking like the afternoon sun.
I am learning to accept their silence.
