Driving me crazy.
Everything. Everyday. Consistently. Constantly. Never ending and always. It doesn’t fucking stop. How is it that a great day can turn into a shitty day in a matter of minutes? Anything can set him off. Everything can turn into a monumental disaster. For him, an ant hill is a mountain. I feel like I am a prisoner in my own home, treading ever so carefully and tip toeing around. At first I was okay with it, the snarky answers and mean responses - I let go. I tried not to let it hurt me and I got used to taking a back seat to his job, work is important, I know this. I understand this. But I get 15-20 minutes a day to be a friend. I literally cram a day into a minute. We eat in silence, we watch tv, he then leaves to go back to work or to stare at a screen. I then remind myself that Work comes first. He doesn’t take care of himself, he ignores his own needs and wants. How can I expect him to be anything or go anywhere, how can I expect him to be a friend, when he isn’t even a friend to himself.
I know it’s a sickness, I know it’s not done purposely, I know that it can’t be helped and I know that there is nothing I can do about it. I can be his mental, I can try to guide him through the daily trials of life...
I’ve learned to not talk about what’s wrong and how to shut my mouth. I no longer bring him into my own personal drama. I can’t. I pick & choose what I say and how I say it. I struggle with living this way, but until things get better this is just how I live.
Walking on tightrope and very much hoping that there’s a net below. A net big enough for the both of us. If we fall, If we crash and burn? We do it together. I won’t let him fall alone.
