Night after night it’s the same. I can’t sleep and I can’t not worry about it. For once this has nothing to do with physical pain.
I know that within a few years time, I am going to join a club that I want no part of, a club that friends and family have already joined, a club that will literally break my heart.
I know I will be losing my family, my sister, my Jim, my parents - the touchstone of my existence. I am expecting my world to end and missing them will be an understatement. It’s selfish, I know it is, I know my sisters and Jon will also be missing them and that they too will be crushed. Are they scared of losing them? I’m sure. Does it haunt them daily? I don’t know. I’ve done research on losing my parents, to make sure you say everything you want to say and to make sure that they know how much I love them. Even my dad, who I don’t have a great relationship with. Losing him, losing her, losing them... it’s an ongoing nightmare. Every time Jim leaves the house, a part of me thinks this might be the last time I get to tell him I love him.
On the day they go, my world will be reduced. Even writing this out? It’s making my stomach hurt. If I had a do over in life, I would have done so much different and treating them better would be a priority even more so then talking to the men who hurt me. I survived the rapes, I’m not so sure about losing my family.
