I found this written in between the pages of an old book. I wrote it a few years ago and it was written a few weeks after I put my friend down.c Big Kitten was 16 years old and had kidney failure. This was one of hardest things I ever had to do.
Before I continue, you should know that I bought Big Kitten for $50 from a homeless woman in San Francisco, she was trying to feed him in a very disturbing & unconventional way.
At the time, I wasn’t looking to adopt a cat. It just sort of happened. When I got him, he was a few weeks old and infested with parasites. I had to bottle feed him every few hours, It was during those late night feedings that I fell in love.
My cat had many names, From “Big Kitten” to “Acid Pee” And on occasions he was fondly called, “Asshole.” He wasn’t always the sweetest of cats but he was the most loved.
This entry below is the only thing I have ever written about his death. I spent a long time trying to forgive myself for it. His passing isn’t even something I talk about.
Even now and still, I can’t read it without crying.
Wherever you are my friend, I am sorry.
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Today is the first day I've been able to think of you without crying. I thought I would be able to look at your photo tonight without tearing up. I can’t, it’s too soon.
For the past 16 years, I have lived my life with you in mind, from the places I've lived in and the plants I cared for to the furniture I bought.
I've tried to be the best person I could be for you, because you were the best friend a person could have. I'm sorry you got sick and even sorrier that there wasn't more I could do for you.
My heart tells me that this was the right thing to do. It’s a hard decision, but you were in agony and it had to be done. My brain is keeps telling me that I didn't do enough. I am sorry.
Thank you for sharing your life with me, You were and will always be my best friend.
