Nightly

Every night it's the same. It's been the same for months now, my mind is set on repeat and I am desperately trying to remember all the years I've made myself forget.
   Bullying, abuse, rape sums up the 90's for me, it was a blur. I can't remember it.
It haunts me daily, I am missing years. I remember bits and pieces, Small remembrances. 

God, I hate the smell of beer. I'm getting sick over it. I always get sick over it.

Enough.
  

It's making me think and rethink the story of my life.

My life. I am haunted. I am scarred. I keep thinking about my parents dying. I say prayers begging the gods to take me before them, I am sick enough. Broken even. I know it's selfish. I just don't know what I'd do without them. Its been this way since elementary school. I remember saying my prayers in third grade, Please don't let them die.

 Every year I think its their last and I remind myself of everything I could have done better for them.
My heart hurts and I want a do over in life.