Theres an ache in my stomach. I woke up with it - might have been something I ate. Could just be that there is to much on my mind. . not enough sleep. Theres been alot going on lately maybe its stress. Lets Call this my sucky blog, the one that got away, a forgotten name in the world of blogdom. So, theres an ache in my stomach. I woke up with it. I dont think it was there yesterday..
Ever wonder about if things were different? like if there was one thing, one small unmentionable that would have changed everything. If I didnt get on the bus this morning, if I hadn't cut school that day, What if I never had a best friend? What if I said yes instead of No? and then no again. Only louder this time. Loud enough for somone other then the stars and the sky to hear it. So Loud, that it wouldn't happen again. So many woulda-coulda-shoulda's.. regret is a strong word. One of the strongest I can think of.
Who knows? I mean I am still here, your still here. Somewhere, somehow we are still going to get up in the morning. I just want to know what I did wrong. If I could go back, would I change anything? I often tell myself no. That everything happens for a reason, theres a purpose behind it. Ignore it and let it go. But, Just because I tell myself that, doesnt make me believe it.
Tomorow is Febuary 14th. One of the few days I remember.
4 years ago and a Happy Valentine's day.. was the first. Followed by four more. I'm not sure if its the first or last that counts? maybe this is what started it all. In fact I am positive of it. Thinking of it makes my head move and my eyes cringe. It comes back to me in bits and pieces. At night & when I can't sleep.
Its a dirty scab and I watched it like a movie.
February 14th. Him, your friend and the stairs. Behind the pool - First you asked me if I liked games? So I went with you. My mistake. My bad. Nothing is okTrust. wrong. I knew something was wrong. Your friend - his knife. You pushed me down the stairs. Slammed my head into the wall. Woozy.
Is this really happening?
I thought of you as my friend.
I'm outside & and still screaming.
Its so quiet. Why is it so quiet?
Where is somone? Anyone?
There was a necklace you once gave me. I gave it back to you. I like you as a friend. Your my best friend, we're better off that way. I thought I was nice..
Dragged me out back..
Pulled my hair.
my new skirt, There was a tear
It ripped and the snow was cold against my legs. 5 below zero, freezing.
Crying. Shut up. Fuck you bitch.
I am so cold.
You like this? you're a whore.
First you then him. Your foot on my neck. Holding me down it took two of you. fight back. Muffled bitch. The knife, So dull, a bit dented, the handle broke - inside. Cutting me from the inside out. So cold! It didnt hurt, only left a scar. I'm broken - it broke.
Only to come back in. Cleaning up the half eaten cookies and spilled drinks. Happy Valentines Day! Let us come in, Just for a minute you asked. Happy Hostess, Heart shaped cookies & pink juice.
An hour later? 45 minutes after? I lost time. I went online - random Instant message. A stranger asked - What happend? I didn't even notice. Not till you pointed it out.. It stained. Blood everywhere. Running down my legs. It broke in me. I got it out. No Doctors. Not telling - not even when you came back the next night and threw rocks. I hid. Please please please no one notice. I fell mom. Its ok.. ya I had friends over last night. Sorry for the mess. No doctors - Not telling.. I've gotten good at keeping secrets.
I guess I am still not over it.
fuck, I cant write about this and I didn't want to have kids anyways.
Ironically, this was my first time but not the last.
